Wow, I got a personal matrix text from the first lady. I think I've already lived through a lot of shock to not be as shocked but I think it is a little humorous at what the specific issue was that she brought up: my relations with my dad. This whole entire time, I have hated that my overreaction years ago was made as large as it was. I think it is funny that she would be the one to reach me. I'm not going to let the high school belittlement be such a big deal. I have a hunch that we both have a share with "Leah Michelle." lol. So anyway, I'm sticking with what the subject is rather than make too much of a fuss with how I am percieved.
At this time, the issue has grown more complex through the years. If there was ever a time that I needed to lie or know how to lie about anything, this would be the time to try to figure out how to try to resolve this with whatever word mastering I could come up with. I just can't lie and have to be real.
Throughout this time, there have been a number of issues in the political world that involve money matters. Capitalism, socialism, and the varying kinds of classes and subcategories of the poor and wealthy. I feel that there is a good understanding with the reality of it all in talking to Michelle with matters of wealth and real vulnerabilities and exploits. I can sometimes find happiness in misery and in the worst of times. I still know the pains of my class reality and the exploits, vulnerability, and lack of control I have had to suffer. I assume there have been large numbers of people that have had control over my life. I still remain very dissatisfied with the majority who has taken the control and have neverending bickering and attempts of domination games. I do know for myself that I still am a person who has a lot of thoughts and feelings even when I get robbed by exploits and rigs. I have already stated that I feel damned and not defeated. In your newest book that discusses the "angry black woman stereotype," you know differences between exploits and self expression and it is two completely different microphones and matters of control. I don't want to get involved with whatever drama you and Obama may be having together, but I still think it is admirable of you to continue to acknowledge what it means to have a voice and be self-expressive.
Besides political talk and issues is back the subject of my dad and getting to the point. Through the years, the entire thing has grown complex. Of course during the time it happened I was severely embarassed that I had overreacted like that. Because I had already lived through the embarassment, I wasn't as embarassed when "Precious," came out. There are still a lot of things with the media that I don't understand, but it is definitely an example of an exploit that I had no control over. And no, of course I never saw "Precious," as the accurate story of my childhood. Besides being screwed over, overlooked, and ignored in a number of ways by being the poor vulnerable adult, I still presently feel the desperation of other's entitlements to be victimizing of me. I feel that people purposely exploit and of course purposely rig to do just that: victimize me. I feel hated in such an indescribable and sometimes even incomprehensible way at times. I feel like there are some people who are desperate to use whatever excuse or reason there is to victimize me, hate me, make me feel that I am trapped to them or at their mercy or the mercy of their judgement. Life can be extremely painful in the reality of my class of wealth and especially after being screwed over so much into bankruptcy.
There are a few of Metric's songs I can strongly relate to, especially "Blindness." In the beginning of my paranoia, while I had my own feelings of being lonely, I knew I had been stalked all along. Everything fell on me at once and it was so overwhelming. I wouldn't consider my sister being solely responsible for me being ganged up on. I could assume it could be her ex Andrew or his guys or even with recent paranoia, Autumn who could be responsible with the gangsterism and stalking. It really bothers me how arrogant some people are and the credit that they give themselves. That possible group is not the only group I feel that way with. I've already made my own personal "Ali Larter Obsessed," list. Anyway, I feel I have been tossed around and thrown into judgement where people aren't even close to being a competent judge with me. They don't deserve to be judgemental or possessive in the first place. However, their attempts to judge have been pathetic and piggish. All people do is assume and while they may guess at trivial things, they still have no clue about me. Well, it really varies with people, and part of my argument has been about the real sophistication and details that get overlooked. It is painful to lose and be oppressed to people that I think are so ignorant and that there is nothing I can do about anything. Sadly, my family: mother, father, and sister are all in that category. They are desperate to victimize me and scapegoat me. They are sickingly and psychotically self-entitled to judge me or even want to "vindicate," or "punish," me. I still call myself Penelope stranded on an island. It is upsetting that I was a victim and vulnerable adult knowing that I was wanting to give some kind of clarity to the out of control upper class who entitled themselves to own me. I had such a hard time at trying to make them get me because they were never worthy to begin with either in wanting to be that domineering and possessive. It has been sick and psychotic tyranny this whole time on so many ends. My dad may not be the accurate description in "Precious," but I still see him as a sick and angry man who is in serious denial. I don't feel safe around any family member and do everything I can to create a calm environment. My family members are not the only people who are responsible for victimizing or scapegoating me. I just hate the way I have no other choice but to be honest in this way. It is just something that I don't know how to lie about. I think my family is very inhumane and undeserving. Yeah, it sucks with what has happened through our history but they have no right to hate on me like that. I have never made the same choices they have or a lot of other people have. There were a lot of choices and controls that I never had control over to begin with. I consider my dad to be sickly sadistic in his tyranny and knowing that I don't have a lot of control over anything. He is in a sick denial on top of that where we are on good terms and "friends." They are also people who like to play the Chicago musical victimization game and blame game. They will never know how to resolve anything; they live for the victimization game.
Life is confusing to look at right now. It is ridiculous the number of jobs I have been fired from and the reasons. The stalking has been as well and I still feel disgusted that Denny will not take no for an answer and wants to continue to stalk me and victimize me and intimidate me. He is such a sick and psychotic man. He isn't the only person responsible for wanting to damn me so much. I am sick of so much damnation. I am sick of being the scapegoat and the one who is to blame. I am sick of people not being real with themselves.
Once again, I am damned, not defeated.
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