Plucking More Petals: He loves me, he loves me not

I've had my eye on you and your subtleties David. While I have "proposal" fright, I also am growing weary of your games. Some men have played games before where I have thought they were trying to make me jealous or intentionally test me. I have also faced betrayals when discovering some women have not always been a jealousy tool......... Maybe you are just intending to play bad cop with me to find out more of what I think of several different women. I've already said everything I've needed to say and think I'm the last who should ever be treated as the criminal after all of the gang rape I've suffered. I don't know why some people won't see some men or women for the intentional childish tormenters and testers they are? I'm to be treated as the criminal because I refuse to let a dominate win? Some people have looked over the obviousness of how many sore losers I have. I really did want to ignore Jon's obviousness in being an intentional suck it tormentor today, but you just had to keep making me guess and ask you "WHY?" I really wish you would convince me more and do more to win me over David. I know I sometimes just want to scream at how fast I think you move and how quick of a decision I feel I should make knowing I don't know much about you..... I know you're leading me on more with your proposals while you keep gaming me. "A Beautiful Mind," was it another pass and proposal or are you trying to tell me you have schizophrenia, or see me in your head too and are not sure what to think? ..... My mind races over a lot of thoughts and I'm not the best in being organized at getting more of my triggered thoughts out. I finished Aquarius. Although there is no talk of a sequel, there must obviously be some kind of second season. I thought it was going to be one of those shows where it was only meant to be a season, but they sure are making a very long story out of that and the piece of history. The last episode was definitely not any good news for me. You look like you're just like the rest of the other men to gang rape and betray me with a mean and mysterious agenda. I was pretty mad at the last episode. Maybe you are just purely acting and there are no catches or more women for me to be jealous over. ....... For now, you have me in a 75% belief that you are a passive aggressive ALL or NOTHING to playing jealous games. I don't like to be a burned and hurt fool David. I could completely be your Mazzy and give you my all but I just don't know how to make that connection with your passive aggressive games and me not being able to be fully convinced. I also think you move too fast which is tough when you become all or nothing. I know I hardly know you but sometimes I wish I could just foolishly let myself feel swept off my feet more and be convinced that you really are sweeping me off my feet..... The other 25% is that you are only playing good cop/ bad cop using love as your manipulation. What do I need to believe about you David?

Still n0t winning

I kn0w I'm n0t understanding the pattern 0f y0ur behavi0r and what the tricks, why's, causes, reas0ns 0f y0u d0ing 0ne thing fr0m an0ther. Maybe u really have a seri0us sexual attracti0n t0 me and c0uld even have a sex addicti0n 0ff 0f me. I'm still scarred f0r life and tired 0f the way I will always feel like I will be s0bbing 0n the inside. Time hasn't healed the pain 0r my scars. Y0u just d0n't kn0w the depth 0f y0ur betrayal. Y0u d0n't understand h0w wr0ng 0f a man y0u are f0r me. Y0u were s0 judgmental, quick t0 be judgmental, and p00r in judgment. Y0u were never a fact finder ab0ut anything. Y0u were always g0ing t0 betray me in the w0rst way and expect me t0 be subjected at y0ur's 0r whatever fucktard's mercy. Y0u r0yally made and underd0g 0ut 0f me and went the distance in being the m0st hateful, sadistic, c0ntr0lling, and t0rmenting m0st sick and hateful man I've ever seen in my life. 0f c0urse y0u will never be the vulnerable victim that I will. I will never get 0ver that y0u made me pretty much anyb0dy and everyb0dy's l0ser with y0ur prejudiced, shall0w, vain, and piggish desperate judgment. I have never been s0 vi0lently disheartened and upset in all my life. Pe0ple will always want t0 c0mpete with y0ur sadism and treat y0ur sadism like it is the m0st n0rmal thing t0 d0 0r be. While y0u admit y0u are a p00r and pathetic influencer y0u have influenced a l0t 0f retards in y0ur sadistic and c0ntr0lling directi0n. They're t00 dense t0 see their barbaric and desperate t0tallitarianism and they think it is n0rmal and 0k t0 be like that. I kn0w I'm s0bbing 0n the inside and every time u c0me ar0und 0r every time y0u stay ar0und I kn0w there will always be s0mething else f0r me t0 run int0 t0 remind me 0f y0ur t0tallitariam mayhem and damages and that I will always have s0mething t0 s0b ab0ut. I will never kn0w why y0u lived t0 hate 0n me and be sadistic at such extreme levels like that. Y0u w0uld think that if y0u hated 0n me s0 much, y0u w0uld have been 0ver me by n0w, but y0u're n0t 0ver me and y0u are the 0ne wh0 is taking advantage 0f me.

Why do you love me? Why do I love you?

You know I've always had a serious lust for you. You can and do turn me off sometimes. It is the fact that you didn't always know how to take me, took me your own made up way, or intentionally lied about me. I know you think the lust I have for you makes you think you can buy your way out of being called a "rapist," but you can't. I'm not on your side. You probably do want me to wish I would have never left your or your peeps out or left myself out of you. While it is possible THAT I COULD make you wish you were never the man you were and that you were man enough for me and loved me enough, I don't put my all or live to intend to make you wish for me. You are nothing but a nightmare. I don't have any regrets in keeping you abandoned, or staying an abandoned person. I have had an issue with EVERYONE that you could have wanted to include in my life. It has felt like a controlling gang rape this whole time. You did nothing but cheat on and threaten me to my face. It is your own failed structure that keeps me miles and miles away from you. I have a feeling you may have one or two tag alongs with you right now. I HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED YOUR LIFE STYLE AND NEVER WILL. I HAVE NEVER GIVEN YOU WHATEVER CREDIT YOU GIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS. Your gayness still disturbs me AND I STILL DON'T SEE YOUR POINT IN WANTING TO PURSUE ME. All I see is Three Days Grace, "I hate everything about you," and Seether and Amy Lee's "Broken." Your lifestyle doesn't work. It has never worked. .........The magazine articles with a further rehash. Hotel wifi and computer gigs? I'm just not following whatever the message of that article was trying to convey at all. I tried to use my imagination, but I'm not getting the figurative picture. The "Swedish" article. You played it safe some with some fairness: "Your a hooker, I'm a hooker, the kids are hookers, the dogs are hookers, we are all hookers." I hate the shrimp/mayo/hotdog perverted remark. "Straight sex is only for teenagers. Adults are gay or bisexual." You should have never intentionally threatened my maturity or sexual maturity like that. I could really kill to give you a punch in the stomach and the face with that comment. "Lets talk about it." I don't care to visualize your gayness. You've never been that great in persuading me into you at all. I know I didn't get half of the message of what any of that was. Did I break Marcus's heart with Tom? Is that why he disturbed me with his and your gayness? I know I've decided against Tom's baby because he is just as guilty as a few other men in his maternal threats or subjecting me to another woman's maternity. If a man is going to be like that, he shouldn't even ask or want to have a baby with a woman to begin with. WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT? I don't know if you are ever going to learn from the constant mistake you are. If you are always going to threaten me for being who I am with your, or another's authority and codependence, I don't want to ever hear from you again. I've been sick of it. I really got into Weezer's "Pork and Beans" last night. It's like you get it somewhat, but have NEVER BACKED IT UP ON YOUR END. I hate you for the damaged woman I am, and the nightmare of a history you already are. As long as you stay the same nightmare, I just don't want to hear from you again. YOUR NIGHTMARE WAS NEVER WORTH IT TO ME AND WILL NEVER BE WORTH IT TO ME. You just don't understand how embarrassing and huge of a choice it would be for me to give into your Ike Turner. You don't get the pressure that I'm in, and have never seemed to care or understand about the nightmare that you always were. YOU CAN'T AVOID IT.

Silence and Discretion

I see you on my radar and in my head.... You know you are way too X-rated for me and you want to try to comfort me and make me feel more comfortable..... Only in my head you are refusing to give up on me and want to be with me..... As much as you seem to give yourself to me and take me for you and you wanting to seduce and subdue me into you and I in private comfort, I don't trust you. If you were to ask me whether or not I'm your hostage or willing partner, I would say that I am 95% your hostage. ...... I don't care if that Calvin "Don't Blame it On Me," song turns you on, it makes me sick. I hate that song. I hate the narcism....... While I'm not literally coughing up blood, these past couple of days I just visualize myself coughing up copious amounts of blood. Only in my head, you seem to be letting me in more and as if I were the number 1 apple of your eye, but I can't forget everything and just let you win. I don't trust you. I'm in serious pain in ways I don't know how to describe or explain. I can't completely see or get you either. While I could have a lot to say, I'm still mostly quiet and discrete. This is all I can express or be vulnerable about right now.