When something looks the way it looks

But it could be more gossip and falsifications. I'm feeling a little hot blooded and hot headed. I did see all of your signs today, but after all of the signs on twitter today; it is a pretty loud suggestion. What to do with passes you could be making to me..??.. It almost looks like you could be Sharon and me Ozzy. lol. little bit of comedy there. The way we talk and communicate through the media and how much of a relationship is made out of it without any real conversation. A lot of reality through signs...... so frustrating at times.... Back to the subject. I've been wanting to come up with some kind of said apology during the times I was being a cheater. Before I compare you, I'll just say my part. There were times when you ran me off, had your cheat, or did something to upset me where we were apart and kind of off and on. Nothing too much really happened with the eye Dr. He could be someone I could have a thing for, but I have made no further pursuit with him. Jack is the one you seem to be presently looking at. Jack is a man who comes out of nowhere just as you. "he got here first" but I would have to say there was never any real relationship. I could be a dime a dozen to the real woman singer in Dead Weather. (I'd have to look her name up). There was so much info going left and right at once I couldn't keep up with everyone or knew that I knew of some people or where they came from. So, I have gotten into his music a lot and could be apt to get into his music more. A certain depth of a personal fascist crush where I have some creation in it. hmph. When you are the threat you are; you have your own way of driving me into him when it is kill and be killed. Like you didn't have your number of emotional affairs and especially an earlier loud say "Gillian and I are closer now than ever before." But no one needs to know right now about you and I (Twister reference). lol. Oh David, you player, you player! There is a lot of intensity in the several different media messages and it makes the blood rush through me. You score some points with me in that the emotional affair matters to you. I'm a little struck over the fact that I mean more to you than just sex. You're not doing it all for the nookie. Yet, we are "divorcing" over the matter anyway. I'm sorry David. You hurt me too. You hurt me in your cheats and insults and it has greatly upset me how far all of it has gotten. What do you really do on your weekends and tour days David? You probably are going all Johnny Cash and sleeping with a lot of women. If you are with Gillian, you leave me in the dark with it and if you aren't going Cash on me, you could be taking it much further with Gillian and having more of a relationship there. You have signs your showing on me regardless and staying in my head regardless. ... In a random trail, it looks like Tom wants to be credible over the ebay but it looked so much like you were making it personal with me. Are you and Tom gay together? Is this one of the gay men you hook up with? Your bisexuality will always be so awkward with me. I would want to think you see yourself as more straight than anything, but when you showed a picture of your apt in NY, it almost looked like you prefer men over women with how gay of a rainbow sign it was. While it does upset me when you cheat with women, it still is upsetting that you would still be giving your sex to a man. It's awkward for me. So much different with women than with men. It seems men prefer bisexual women that much more than straight ones. I've never wanted to be cultured like that. ..... Tonight is going to be another restless night, but if I am finally popping a zit with you and you are making the choice to be with someone other than me, it would help me get over it more. You're keeping me played anyway while sounding official with someone. The someone could be just me that you're in an official relationship with, but I can't give myself that credit yet, and know you're still keeping me played anyway. Such a gamer and player you are David. .... I thought about talking about some of my every day personal life but this blog is already long enough and should probably keep holding my breath. Goodnight David, whatever time zone you are in.

Plucking More Petals: He loves me, he loves me not

I've had my eye on you and your subtleties David. While I have "proposal" fright, I also am growing weary of your games. Some men have played games before where I have thought they were trying to make me jealous or intentionally test me. I have also faced betrayals when discovering some women have not always been a jealousy tool......... Maybe you are just intending to play bad cop with me to find out more of what I think of several different women. I've already said everything I've needed to say and think I'm the last who should ever be treated as the criminal after all of the gang rape I've suffered. I don't know why some people won't see some men or women for the intentional childish tormenters and testers they are? I'm to be treated as the criminal because I refuse to let a dominate win? Some people have looked over the obviousness of how many sore losers I have. I really did want to ignore Jon's obviousness in being an intentional suck it tormentor today, but you just had to keep making me guess and ask you "WHY?" I really wish you would convince me more and do more to win me over David. I know I sometimes just want to scream at how fast I think you move and how quick of a decision I feel I should make knowing I don't know much about you..... I know you're leading me on more with your proposals while you keep gaming me. "A Beautiful Mind," was it another pass and proposal or are you trying to tell me you have schizophrenia, or see me in your head too and are not sure what to think? ..... My mind races over a lot of thoughts and I'm not the best in being organized at getting more of my triggered thoughts out. I finished Aquarius. Although there is no talk of a sequel, there must obviously be some kind of second season. I thought it was going to be one of those shows where it was only meant to be a season, but they sure are making a very long story out of that and the piece of history. The last episode was definitely not any good news for me. You look like you're just like the rest of the other men to gang rape and betray me with a mean and mysterious agenda. I was pretty mad at the last episode. Maybe you are just purely acting and there are no catches or more women for me to be jealous over. ....... For now, you have me in a 75% belief that you are a passive aggressive ALL or NOTHING to playing jealous games. I don't like to be a burned and hurt fool David. I could completely be your Mazzy and give you my all but I just don't know how to make that connection with your passive aggressive games and me not being able to be fully convinced. I also think you move too fast which is tough when you become all or nothing. I know I hardly know you but sometimes I wish I could just foolishly let myself feel swept off my feet more and be convinced that you really are sweeping me off my feet..... The other 25% is that you are only playing good cop/ bad cop using love as your manipulation. What do I need to believe about you David?

Still n0t winning

I kn0w I'm n0t understanding the pattern 0f y0ur behavi0r and what the tricks, why's, causes, reas0ns 0f y0u d0ing 0ne thing fr0m an0ther. Maybe u really have a seri0us sexual attracti0n t0 me and c0uld even have a sex addicti0n 0ff 0f me. I'm still scarred f0r life and tired 0f the way I will always feel like I will be s0bbing 0n the inside. Time hasn't healed the pain 0r my scars. Y0u just d0n't kn0w the depth 0f y0ur betrayal. Y0u d0n't understand h0w wr0ng 0f a man y0u are f0r me. Y0u were s0 judgmental, quick t0 be judgmental, and p00r in judgment. Y0u were never a fact finder ab0ut anything. Y0u were always g0ing t0 betray me in the w0rst way and expect me t0 be subjected at y0ur's 0r whatever fucktard's mercy. Y0u r0yally made and underd0g 0ut 0f me and went the distance in being the m0st hateful, sadistic, c0ntr0lling, and t0rmenting m0st sick and hateful man I've ever seen in my life. 0f c0urse y0u will never be the vulnerable victim that I will. I will never get 0ver that y0u made me pretty much anyb0dy and everyb0dy's l0ser with y0ur prejudiced, shall0w, vain, and piggish desperate judgment. I have never been s0 vi0lently disheartened and upset in all my life. Pe0ple will always want t0 c0mpete with y0ur sadism and treat y0ur sadism like it is the m0st n0rmal thing t0 d0 0r be. While y0u admit y0u are a p00r and pathetic influencer y0u have influenced a l0t 0f retards in y0ur sadistic and c0ntr0lling directi0n. They're t00 dense t0 see their barbaric and desperate t0tallitarianism and they think it is n0rmal and 0k t0 be like that. I kn0w I'm s0bbing 0n the inside and every time u c0me ar0und 0r every time y0u stay ar0und I kn0w there will always be s0mething else f0r me t0 run int0 t0 remind me 0f y0ur t0tallitariam mayhem and damages and that I will always have s0mething t0 s0b ab0ut. I will never kn0w why y0u lived t0 hate 0n me and be sadistic at such extreme levels like that. Y0u w0uld think that if y0u hated 0n me s0 much, y0u w0uld have been 0ver me by n0w, but y0u're n0t 0ver me and y0u are the 0ne wh0 is taking advantage 0f me.

Why do you love me? Why do I love you?

You know I've always had a serious lust for you. You can and do turn me off sometimes. It is the fact that you didn't always know how to take me, took me your own made up way, or intentionally lied about me. I know you think the lust I have for you makes you think you can buy your way out of being called a "rapist," but you can't. I'm not on your side. You probably do want me to wish I would have never left your or your peeps out or left myself out of you. While it is possible THAT I COULD make you wish you were never the man you were and that you were man enough for me and loved me enough, I don't put my all or live to intend to make you wish for me. You are nothing but a nightmare. I don't have any regrets in keeping you abandoned, or staying an abandoned person. I have had an issue with EVERYONE that you could have wanted to include in my life. It has felt like a controlling gang rape this whole time. You did nothing but cheat on and threaten me to my face. It is your own failed structure that keeps me miles and miles away from you. I have a feeling you may have one or two tag alongs with you right now. I HAVE NEVER ACCEPTED YOUR LIFE STYLE AND NEVER WILL. I HAVE NEVER GIVEN YOU WHATEVER CREDIT YOU GIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS. Your gayness still disturbs me AND I STILL DON'T SEE YOUR POINT IN WANTING TO PURSUE ME. All I see is Three Days Grace, "I hate everything about you," and Seether and Amy Lee's "Broken." Your lifestyle doesn't work. It has never worked. .........The magazine articles with a further rehash. Hotel wifi and computer gigs? I'm just not following whatever the message of that article was trying to convey at all. I tried to use my imagination, but I'm not getting the figurative picture. The "Swedish" article. You played it safe some with some fairness: "Your a hooker, I'm a hooker, the kids are hookers, the dogs are hookers, we are all hookers." I hate the shrimp/mayo/hotdog perverted remark. "Straight sex is only for teenagers. Adults are gay or bisexual." You should have never intentionally threatened my maturity or sexual maturity like that. I could really kill to give you a punch in the stomach and the face with that comment. "Lets talk about it." I don't care to visualize your gayness. You've never been that great in persuading me into you at all. I know I didn't get half of the message of what any of that was. Did I break Marcus's heart with Tom? Is that why he disturbed me with his and your gayness? I know I've decided against Tom's baby because he is just as guilty as a few other men in his maternal threats or subjecting me to another woman's maternity. If a man is going to be like that, he shouldn't even ask or want to have a baby with a woman to begin with. WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT? I don't know if you are ever going to learn from the constant mistake you are. If you are always going to threaten me for being who I am with your, or another's authority and codependence, I don't want to ever hear from you again. I've been sick of it. I really got into Weezer's "Pork and Beans" last night. It's like you get it somewhat, but have NEVER BACKED IT UP ON YOUR END. I hate you for the damaged woman I am, and the nightmare of a history you already are. As long as you stay the same nightmare, I just don't want to hear from you again. YOUR NIGHTMARE WAS NEVER WORTH IT TO ME AND WILL NEVER BE WORTH IT TO ME. You just don't understand how embarrassing and huge of a choice it would be for me to give into your Ike Turner. You don't get the pressure that I'm in, and have never seemed to care or understand about the nightmare that you always were. YOU CAN'T AVOID IT.

Silence and Discretion

I see you on my radar and in my head.... You know you are way too X-rated for me and you want to try to comfort me and make me feel more comfortable..... Only in my head you are refusing to give up on me and want to be with me..... As much as you seem to give yourself to me and take me for you and you wanting to seduce and subdue me into you and I in private comfort, I don't trust you. If you were to ask me whether or not I'm your hostage or willing partner, I would say that I am 95% your hostage. ...... I don't care if that Calvin "Don't Blame it On Me," song turns you on, it makes me sick. I hate that song. I hate the narcism....... While I'm not literally coughing up blood, these past couple of days I just visualize myself coughing up copious amounts of blood. Only in my head, you seem to be letting me in more and as if I were the number 1 apple of your eye, but I can't forget everything and just let you win. I don't trust you. I'm in serious pain in ways I don't know how to describe or explain. I can't completely see or get you either. While I could have a lot to say, I'm still mostly quiet and discrete. This is all I can express or be vulnerable about right now.

Hey

.......Hey Elijah. I just finished watching "Fury." It wasn't a bad movie. I never thought that random marathon runner at another gym had a share with Brad Pitt. I thought he was a senator for A-Rod. lol hahhahaaha. Random crazy funny. Where did we leave off? I never finished watching the "Wilfred," series for my own personally offended reasons. A comment that I don't completely remember online and a hockey game where I pass out. I know it had something to do with my nakedness being somehow sold out but maybe we were just all in a room together where I really had only a few eyes but big eyes watching me...hmph... It doesn't matter as much now that I'm a stripper does it? It matters to you. ... ..... I don't see myself as dying in vain. I see myself in another history and in another time. When people there ask me why I have my job; I usually just say I have several reasons and leave it at that..... Nazi? Vietnam. Vietnam Elijah, Vietnam. Syrian Muslim? I do get offended when asked. Agnostic Christian. Of course the other talk that you and others have probably been waiting for, and a talk that I refuse to fear. The issue of bisexuality. I know I've run over a lot of women for their lies and arrogance when it comes to that. I am still running over Erin. With Emma, I am not running over her. I saw it all as a shared heart break. Of course I never completely identified myself in her and know there was more than a father-daughter relationship with me and Jon. I do not want or plan on going there with Jon. I could never see myself in a serious relationship with another woman. I have always wanted a man and will always want to be in a relationship with a man. I really did have friends at one time. I know I'm better off alone anymore because of the way people lie and think they deserve to have control or own someone. I know I'm still being terrorized over the control issue now as I type this, and I will keep murdering people in the head for thinking it is their right to subject me to their self and I get so upset myself sometimes when people do not back down and I feel I am being forced to murder for my own rightful defense. It really is good to know when you're right in your motive, but I understand the heartbreak when someone just doesn't want to give up or back down. I hate being forced to hate or to even have been forced to say the things I've already said because people just won't understand how seriously and sickly wrong they are. I hate how many times I've visualized myself beating a person to death. I will never forgive Jon for the sick rapist juggernaut he has always been. I hate his sick unsorry ass with a passion and could even visualize myself beating the shit out of his rapist Jabba the Hut pig ass. ........ Elijah, I really don't know what your personal WWII is. I am apparently some sort of antagonist being that I'm a "German Nazi". .... I am apparently "dead" in some sort of way too. "Small talks,"? Did you compose or write the lyrics? Sometimes I can go all out on that song, but I don't like to do it often. I can be a cheesy nut. I'm not sure what is completely going on, on your end. I don't know what you want right now. I have you back on my Twitter for the time. I guessed you on my radar but identities and credits can get confusing. As I've previously stated, sometimes it takes awhile for me to be convinced of something. Other than having a brief period of time with you in some way, I don't know if there is more to know about you...

Rhymless Rhythmless Poem of expression...

Something doesn't hit me until it does. I feel hit by a ton of bricks. I think I'm in love. I'm terrified. I'm terrified over a lot of things. I could cry. I am seduced. I want him to approach me soon. I want to give myself to him. I need to be held. I don't know how to handle this. This is too much to try to handle by myself. I know I'm going to be terrified for awhile. If he is another man passing through, this love will be longer to get over. My heart is deeply pierced and hooked. Something doesn't hit me until it does. I don't see or feel something until I do. My mind is racing. What a sudden love and lust. I can't think straight. I'm struggling trying to stand on my own two feet and don't even know whether or not I still am. I'm embracing myself hoping I can embrace him soon too.